Breakups broken down
More often than not, clients come to me for help when they are in a relationship that they want to get out of or when they are in the actual process of breaking up and something isn't working. Most people experience multiple breakups over the course of their lives. Given this fact, it is definitely worth writing and talking about because chances are you will either console someone at some point through a breakup or need some help yourself! I have spent some time reflecting on my own past breakups and have come to the conclusion that there are two main reasons why I have struggled breaking off the relationship. Here you are. You're welcome!
1.) The "I've put in a lot of time with this person" reason is one I have said a lot myself and I also hear it a lot from others. Getting rid of the mindset and negative self-talk that "I've wasted so much time that maybe I should reconsider" is a vicious cycle. Spending time dwelling on how much time you've been with someone and how it was such a waste of time is not going to be helpful in helping you break up. It is also not a reason to stay in a relationship. Let's say it again for those of us who are late to the party. The amount of time that you've been in a relationship is not a compelling reason to continue to stay in the relationship. The faster that we can quiet the voices down telling us that we should consider salvaging the relationship because we have put in a chunk of time, the faster that we can move forward.
2.) The "I might never meet someone else" reason is also quite common. This is one of the main reasons I see people waffle back and forth on a break up. This is also something that has come out of my mouth in the past. If you come to see me as a client, I will probably tell you that it sounds like there is perhaps an underlying fear of being alone. This is totally normal. We will work on this together. We are human and we are wired to want connection. That doesn't mean, however, that we must force ourselves to stay in bad relationships because of the fear of being alone.
From my own personal experience, when I am in a committed relationship, I tend to have blinders on in terms of who else might be out there. I also have found myself so hyper focused on making a broken relationship work that I've missed opportunities to meet other people whether it be new friends, opportunities, or new romantic partners because I am just too.damn.preoccupied. with the negative thought that I might never meet someone else so I put my head down and tell myself to "make it work." Folks, I am here to tell you all that this is also not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. Therapy, friends, family, pets, chocolate, exercise. All of these people, services, activities, etc. will help you through a break up. It works!
The most common thing I see as a therapist is that people choose to stay in a bad relationship for one of those two reasons. The sooner that you catch yourself doing this and call attention to it, the sooner you can be on your way towards seeking out a healthier relationship!
